George Lucas to (Re-re-)Re-release Star Wars in 3D, Because Fans Haven't Given Him Enough Money Yet

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Rumors have been bandied about for a while, but today we finally got official confirmation that George Lucas would be re-releasing the Star Wars saga in 3D, with one film per year put out starting with The Phantom Menace in 2012. This is fantastic news for the millions of Star Wars fans who were afraid Lucas would stop coming up with ways to make them give him money for something they've already seen and know like they back of their robotic hand.

Because lets face it, Lucas hasn't had a new idea since the freaking 70s. He just keeps going back to the Star Wars well, (correctly) banking on the fact that Star Wars fans will eat up anything he slaps the franchise label on. Because make no mistake, even though 3D movies as a whole been in decline with both public opinion and profits, a re-release of the Star Wars movies in the third dimension will bring oodles of money for Lucas to stuff in his Jar-Jar piggy bank.

Why am I being so bitter, you ask? Why be such a hater? Because I do actually LIKE Star Wars, and I am sick of watching countless revisions and additions mess up was actually pretty good on its own. Seriously, since Return of the Jedi was released, what has been added to the Star Wars cannon that actually provided anything new and worthwhile to the franchise? Not the special editions, which just shoe-horned in new special effects that really add nothing to the world that had already been established in the original versions (And having Greedo shoot first, which ruined that subtle little bit of characterization that helped establish Han Solo as a badass). Not the prequels, which at best do nothing but fill in a bunch of backstory that we didn't really need because we learned enough in the originals to put much of it together, and at worst completely tainted the saga by being atrociously written garbage that was nothing more than an excuse for Lucas to fill the screen with a bunch of flashy digital effects. Shadows of the Empire, while a cool N64 game, was just filler that failed to bring any real insight or new perspective to what we already knew happened. The Genndy Tartakovsky directed Clone War shorts were great fun in their own right, but were once again filler for the prequels, which are unnecessary anyway. The new CGI Clone Wars series is even worse, for having all the fun and stylishness of the Tartakovsky shorts sucked out and replaced with awful dialogue and stiff animation. Which brings us to The Force Unleashed, which in my opinion is the only cannon addition that brings anything to the table, by showing the formation of the Rebel Alliance and how the Empire was responsible for bringing it together. It's a small but interesting piece of information that directly effects our perception of the events of the original trilogy.

(That was a big ole chunk of text up there, and I apologize)

Releasing the movies (yet again) in 3D is just another example of Lucas milking the franchise for all it's worth without giving us anything meaningful in return. We've already seen these movies, why should we pay to see them again? Is being in 3D really going to change the experience that much? Will it really be worth it, especially considering ticket prices will likely continue to rise by the time the first one is released in 2012? For many, the answer will be yes, "because it's Star Wars, man!" And for those people, I'm sorry your lives suck so much as you can't wait to see The Phantom Menace on the big screen again, and pay even more so that the train wreck will be coming right at you. (Sidenote: Does anyone else think this might be what the Myans predicted for 2012?)

So no, I will not bother to go see any of the Star Wars movies in 3D. I still prefer the original versions of the original trilogy over the special editions, and I have a feeling I'm going to like watching the old fashioned 2D versions over the 3D ones as well. For those who feel compelled to keep handing Lucas money for the same freaking thing over and over again, have at it. But the next time one of you complains about a lack of originality in Hollywood, I'm going hold a mirror up to your face. And then hit you with it.