Welcome to 2011! 2010, I think we can all admit, was pretty crappy. What with the BP oil spill, stubborn unemployment numbers, and Twilight Saga: Eclipse making nearly $700 million at the box office, there was much we would rather forget. But now it's 2011, and things are gonna be great! I, for one, went to a cosmic bowling event on New Years Eve, and right after the ball dropped, I bowled a strike. What better way to start off the year? Things are gonna be good.
At least until the rapture.
That's right folks. The world ending in 2012 is so 2010. Turns out, the world will end in 2011. And this is totally for real, because The Bible says so. Yep, this guy went through The Bible, and using Jesus-math figured out the the Rapture will be May 21, 2011, followed by the end of the world October 21, 2011. Save the date!
Then again, the guy is 88 years old, so it is entirely possible this is just a symptom of his dementia. I'm also not quite sure what "crunching the numbers" means in reference to The Bible. There is some attempt in that first link to use numbers, but it all just makes my head hurt. Also, this guy already predicted the world would end on September 6 back in 1994. Oops.
On the off chance this elderly guru has cracked the code, it wouldn't hurt to be prepared (especially with all the dead birds falling from the sky) . Which is why I have taken it upon myself to provide this time line of the possible events that will unfold. As far as I can tell, it's just as credible as what the 88 year old Bible scholar says.
May 20, 2011 - Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is released, setting everything in motion.
May 21, 2011 - The Rapture. The 12 people deemed worthy enough to ascend to heaven laugh at the rest of us.
May 23, 2011 - Work week resumes.
June 2, 2011 - Many potential candidates for assuming the position of the Antichrist begin sending out campaign pamphlets in the mail. To the surprise of many conservatives, President Obama is not one of them.
June 15, 2011 - A group calling themselves the Tribulation Force forms to combat the coming Antichrist and his army, but mostly they just reenact their favorite scenes from the Left Behind series.
June 29, 2011 - In a surprise win, front-runner Sarah Palin is beaten out of nowhere by Gene Simmons for position of Antichrist. Evangelical preachers from the '70s say "I told you so."
July 4, 2011 - FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!
July 17, 2011 - The skies turn red. Color blind people go about their day.
July 19, 2011 - In a desperate attempt to rally followers, Pope Benedict holds free banquet parties at Golden Corral's across the world.
July 27, 2011 - Antichrist Simmons declares that everyone in the state of Nevada must pledge allegiance to the Beast, and then introduces his pet kitty, Beast.
August 8, 2011 - The Tribulation Force invites Kirk Cameron to watch their reenactment of the scene of the fall of New Babylon. Mr. Cameron approves.
August 24, 2011 - After noticing that not much has actually changed, Antichrist Simmons' approval ratings begin to fall. Pundits declare the Honeymoon period over.
September 3, 2011 - The bodies of water turn to blood. Surprisingly, it tastes like Mountain Dew: Code Red
September 22, 2011 - Antichrist Simmons asks world for a moment of silence to honor the fallen passengers of Oceanic Flight 815
Oct 1, 2011 - The Four Horseman arrive. Strangely, they are only interested in tormenting Mark Zuckerburg.
Oct 16, 2011 - The Cleveland Browns contune their winning streak remaining undeafeated for the first half of the season. Of course this is the season they win.
Oct 20, 2011 - End of the World Eve!
Oct 21, 2011 - The End of the World. Many complain it did not live up to the hype.
