So You've Been Left Behind! An FAQ Guide

Greetings! If you are reading this, one of two things has happened. Either the Rapture did in fact happen and you were left behind, or the Rapture did not happen because your religion is nothing but silly lies. Either way, you are probably feeling pretty depressed right now. Understandably so. That is why I have provided this FAQ to help you through the questions that are most likely running through your head right now. Ain't I a swell guy.

What?! I've been left behind?

Yep.

But why?

Well, there are a couple different options here. Maybe God changed his mind. Maybe it was all just a test. Maybe you were swindled by con men who raked in millions of dollars in donations promoting this "end time." Maybe it didn't happen because God doesn't exist. I guess just choose whichever option makes you cry yourself to sleep the least.

But I was really looking forward to being with my Savior.

Listen, I was really looking forward to reading in my hammock, but the rain put a kibosh on that. We don't always get what we want, pal.

What do I have to look forward to now?

Did you give away all your money and possessions in preparation for the Rapture?

Yes.

Poverty!

I was thinking more along the lines of my shattered belief.

Oh, right. Well, the good news is that we as a society are pretty gullible. We've believed in magic men in the sky for about as long as we've been around, and even with scientific progress rendering those explanations obsolete the majority of people still cling to those old fashioned notions, so I'm sure you'll find some other unprovable claim to believe in.

That sounds really depressing when you put it like that.

Right?! I don't even know how I get out of bed in the morning some days!

So should I just give up on my faith?

I mean, that's up to you. It is worth pointing out that the vast majority of Christians thought this rapture thing was silly, so if you don't want give up your faith completely, I suppose you could settle for being really stupid.

But... I don't want to be stupid.

No one does. Which is probably why people stubbornly cling to discredited beliefs like "the world is only 6,000 years old" and "the Black Eyed Peas are talented" for so long.

I guess. But what's the next step?

Well, step one would probably be getting your job back. And start rebuilding your kids college savings so they don't resent you anymore than they already do.

How do I face my family and friends who told me not to waste my time?

Don't! Go off the grid. Then you never have to face them, and maybe they'll think you were right and got Raptured after all. Win-win.

Any other advice?

Next time and 89 year old man tells you the world is going to end, it's just because he's old.

The Four Monsters You Meet In Heaven

We'll folks, we're in the homestretch. In a scant six day the Rapture will be upon us, and the end of the world will begin in earnest. At least, that is what Harold Camping and his small band of followers believe. And even though these are a pretty small number of Christians overall (I certainly don't personally know anyone who actually believes it), they are an incredibly vocal minority who have spent loads of money on billboards and a campaign to promote awareness that you better repent right now because the end is nigh, for real this time.

So let's look into this. Camping supposedly came to May 21st as the Rapture by "crunching the numbers" in the Bible. Okay. Cool. So he takes the Bible pretty literally. My question then becomes: why would you want to go to Heaven in the first place?

This may seem like a pretty stupid question. After all, conventional wisdom is that Heaven is a paradise, a happy place where we can reunite with our loves, presumably while cute little angles serenade us with classy harp music. Yay!

The problem is that this version of Heaven is nowhere to be found in the Bible. That is not to say the Bible has nothing to say on the matter. Jesus himself gives an account of what we can expect to John in Chapter 4 of Revelations.

1. After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter. 2 And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne. 3 And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone: and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald. 4 And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold. 5 And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God.

6 And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind. 7 And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle. 8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come. 9 And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever, 10 The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying, 11 Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

Talk about trippy. If anything were to sound like a bad acid trip, this would be it. A lion with six wings, made of eyes? Someone needs to make a movie version of this, because that's a pretty badass monster.

But let's assume that Heaven exists, and this is an accurate portrayal of Heaven. And for fundamentalists like Camping, who take the Bible literally, this would be exactly what Heaven is because not only is it in the Bible, but it is credited directly to Jesus Christ. This is what Heaven is. Anyone else think this is a really crappy way to spend eternity? I, for one, would go crazy having to listen to the non-stop hollering of those for beasts forever. And it all just seems boring, with everyone just sitting down all the time.

So if this is the Heaven we can look forward to, why are these May 21sters so excited about it? What do they find so appealing about sitting around, throwing your crown around, and having to deal with hideously mutated animals constantly shrieking? I'll gladly be left behind if this is the alternative.

Anyway, enjoy your week folks. Because it might be the last peaceful, eye monster-less week you ever have.